For many of us, this is the time of year in which we gather with family to celebrate the holiday season. It’s a time of year we all try to relax, let go, and have fun. And a time of year we may see people we likely haven’t seen for a while.
For many, family gatherings bring happy times and a chance to catch up. For others, it can be a time of high stress, anxiety and emotional strain. Family problems can simmer under the surface and old dynamics prevail as we find ourselves sharing space with people we might otherwise not want to see.
The tone of these family gatherings depends much on our family history and our family’s attitude toward feelings and our response to them. The “emotional climates” that characterize patterns of relating in a family system tend to fall into one of four categories:
Sunny & Warm
There’s an emotionally friendly atmosphere in this kind of family. People tend to be open and responsive to each other, and it’s usually safe to experience and express feelings.
Icy & Cold
In this climate, family members tend to be emotionally unresponsive and avoidant, often distant from each other. The atmosphere around feelings tends to be constricting, with bitterness and resentment under the surface, and very little room for individuals to explore or express their emotions.
Stormy
In this climate, family dynamics can be characterized by harsh criticisms, negativity, incidents of shaming, even punishments for expressing feelings. It can feel like an unsafe place for anyone to be emotionally open and honest.
Mixed
These environments tend to fluctuate from one extreme to the other. There can be times when the atmosphere is warm and welcoming. But things can quickly turn cold or stormy. This unpredictability can make it difficult to relax and feel at ease.
Of course, the emotional climate we grew up in can change over time within families, but our brains are particularly influenced by the emotional climate of the earliest social environments we experienced. As children, we quickly learn to adapt the way we behave emotionally to fit in with the prevailing norms in our family. As these dynamics get repeated over time, patterns of responding become firmly established in our brain circuitry and become our default response.
So even when we find ourselves in different social environments as we grow up, the emotional road map we’re carrying with us from our childhood continues to influence our experiences.
Challenging and changing our emotional responses
The good news is that by befriending our emotional experience and making a concerted effort to do things differently, we can change old patterns.
Doing so starts with developing an understanding of the emotional context in which we spent our formative years, as this will help us identify the beliefs that continue to constrict our emotional experience and put us in a better position to begin to try to do things differently.
The first two steps of the four-step process to develop emotional mindfulness outlined in my books Living Like You Mean It and Loving Like You Mean It can help. The first step entails becoming aware, which is about turning your attention inward, tuning-in to your emotional experience and recognizing that you’ve been triggered. These are moments when we get activated and our defences unconsciously kick-in, leaving us too overwhelmed to easily do things differently. But, by knowing when we’ve been triggered we can slow things down and begin to make changes.
Step two looks at taming the fear—that is, regulating the anxiety that often accompanies our emotional experience. Having recognized that we’ve been triggered, we can begin to notice and explore the physical sensations that accompany our experience. For instance, maybe we feel our chest tightening as we tense up. Here, the best thing we can do is to try not to suppress, dismiss, or ignore our inner experience, but to breathe, stay present with them, and give our emotions some internal room to move through us. By doing so, we lessen the impulse to react reflexively and free ourselves up to make healthier choices. That’s the key to having a different experience.
Here’s a mindfulness-based breathing exercise that can help you navigate those moments when you feel triggered and inclined to respond reflexively. This strategy employs what’s referred to as “resistance breathing.” It involves using friction to slow the flow of air and slightly increase the pressure in our lungs which, in turn, activates the calming part of our nervous system and slows us down.
Here’s what you do:
Take a full breath through your nose and then, while pursing your lips as though you’re letting air out through a straw, slowly exhale. Feel the air push against your lips as it slowly leaves your body. Do this three or four times, breathing in through your nose, and out through the small opening in between your lips. As you do, you’ll likely focus your attention on your breathing which will help to also shift your awareness. Notice what happens while you’re breathing in this manner. You should feel the tension inside you begin to dissipate a bit. You should feel the edge softening. You can then think about if and how you’d like to respond to whatever just happened.
What I like about this breathing tool, in addition to its calming effects, is that it can be done anywhere at any time. It’s also pretty inconspicuous so you can use it without feeling self-conscious about being noticed. Experiment with it beforehand so that you are accustomed to working with yourself in this way.
No matter the emotional climate at your family gatherings, paying attention to when you get triggered and taming the fear you may feel as a result can free you up so you can choose to respond in a more mindful way. You can experience greater confidence in your ability to experience and possibly express your emotions in a way that enables you to better navigate these occasions and maybe even enjoy aspects of being with your family in the richness of life.
