This is Part 5 of a 6-part series in which we take a closer look at the basic emotions: Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Love, Fear, and Guilt/Shame. Simply click on each link to view the associated article.
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Fear
Most of us will likely have shared and received happy new year wishes with friends and family in recent weeks. And while we all hope that we and our loved ones are able to enjoy a happy 2023, we all know that a new year can bring challenging experiences – whether anticipated or unexpected – that can feel distressing or stir fear in us.
Aspects of our relationships, jobs, and home life, can raise our anxiety levels or cause us to experience fear. And the start of a new year can bring the fear of the unknown – of what’s to come – to the surface. That fear can take many forms and be mild or extreme, ranging from concern, nervousness and worry, through wariness, anxiety and distress, right up to dread and panic.
Sometimes, experiencing fear is adaptive as in situations when we’re in real danger because fear prompts us to do what we need to do to find safety. Fear may cause us to freeze, to be transfixed on the spot, unable to move. It can also ensure energy flows to our legs and feet, readying and enabling us to flee from the danger we perceive.
But some of us can develop a feelings phobia, in which we become afraid of feeling certain feelings, including fear. Many of us view experiencing anxiety or fear as weak or foolish, so we dismiss or deny our feelings and try to make them go away. But doing so prevents us from learning how to handle our fear and diminish its impact on us.
From the brain, felt in the body
Although all emotions, including fear, originate in our brain, we experience them in our body as feelings. With fear, we can feel a tightness in our chests. Our hearts can beat faster, our muscles tense-up. These physical responses are the result of our brains working on the basis of our past experience, anticipating that something bad may be about to take place. It’s a process that helps explain why sometimes we can react to a situation with fear even though there’s nothing for us to be afraid about.
Over time, we can get into the habit of reacting in a certain way. In fact, we can respond with fear when it’s not warranted. But this situation doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s possible to ‘reprogram’ our brain to have a friendlier response to our feelings and experiences. By taking steps to ‘re-wire’ our brain, we can develop a more positive relationship with our emotional experiences so that fear no longer feels so threatening. In short, we can learn that moving toward and through old fear can free us up to have a fuller, more rewarding emotional life.
Of course, it’s not possible to just drop our fear and embrace our emotions, especially if we’re in the habit of avoiding such feelings. Fear itself can be such a challenging emotion to slow down and stay present with as it revs us up and prompts us to escape from danger. But often, it’s an emotion that’s telling us there’s something important requiring our attention. We need to stop and attend to what’s prompting our fear (often an underlying emotion that’s altogether different), not dismiss it or try to convince ourselves that we’re over-reacting. By staying attuned to our emotional experience, we can reveal what is at its core, and let it guide us toward what we need to do next.
The first step to take is to reduce the discomfort we experience to a more manageable level so that we can begin to look beyond our initial reactions to see what other feelings are arising inside of us. This ‘making room’ doesn’t happen overnight. But with regular practice and awareness, we can learn how to tame our fears, calm our body and connect with our true feelings.
In my book, Living Like You Mean It, I feature several tools you can use to calm your nervous system. You can start by raising your awareness of how fear shows up for you, mindfully tracking it, and slowing your breathing down.
Give the following exercise a try:
An awareness exercise to help manage fear
Try and remember a time in your life when you were in danger and there was nothing you could do about it. If no such recollections occur to you, try to imagine another situation you find scary – perhaps you’re being followed as you’re walking home alone at night along a deserted street, or you’re on the roof of a very high building looking over the edge. Whatever scenario you choose, stay with it, stay in the moment and notice what happens inside your body.
Remember the physical symptoms you experience, and see if any of them match these:
Cold hands, faster breathing, holding onto your breath, sweating, trembling arms and/or legs, tightness in the stomach, all-over shakiness, an increase in blood flow to the legs, creating an urge to move back or run away from harm.
You may experience one or several of these common symptoms of fear. If you notice a symptom that’s not listed above, that’s a positive sign you’re becoming more aware of your felt experience and therefore are on the path to developing emotional mindfulness.
When you find yourself in fear-inducing situations, stop and ask yourself: What exactly am I feeling? Then tune in to what’s happening inside you. It’s important to focus on what’s actually happening to you, not what you think is happening or wish was happening. You should consciously direct your attention to your felt experience. Watch and observe what happens and, as you do, take a few deep breaths and let them out slowly. Each time you bring your focus back to your bodily sensations, you’re developing a good habit and training your mind to be aware of and pay attention to your emotional experience. You’re bringing your observer on line which can help to calm your nervous system. Doing all of this from a place of openness, acceptance and zero judgment is vital.
While it’s natural for everyone to approach a new year with a mixture of excited anticipation and trepidation, by practicing emotional mindfulness, you can change your relationship with any fearful emotions that may arise as you think about moving forward and facing challenges as they arise. You can manage and eventually tame your fear of your feelings and learn to use your emotions to your advantage.
Happy New Year!
