Here’s the sixth in my series of real-life stories of healing and transformation based on actual people I’ve helped over the years in therapy.
Last month we explored “Accepting our true feelings for loved ones”, and you can read the article here.
Subscribe to our newsletter to have these posts delivered straight to your inbox.
THE SITUATION:
Craig, an attorney in his early forties, sat down on his couch at home with his laptop. It was time to relax after a long day at work which had been followed by a casual evening out with his friends and Lydia, his fiancé, to celebrate her birthday.
As he settled in, Lydia sat down next to him and asked him what he was doing. She put her arm around him and affectionately said, “I want to spend some time with you.”
Craig instantly felt himself tense up inside. “What do you mean?” he asked, incredulous. “We’ve been together all evening.”
“Yeah, but that was with our friends around,” Lydia explained. “I want some alone time. Just us.”
Craig felt his shoulders tighten. Why does she always do this? he thought to himself. She’s so damn needy. No matter what I do, I just can’t win.
“Can I get just a minute to myself?” he said, rolling his eyes at Lydia, shutting his computer and walking off into the other room in a huff.
THE ISSUE/PROBLEM:
Beneath his irritation and outside Craig’s awareness, he’s afraid to be open and close with Lydia. He’s scared of being vulnerable, caring too deeply, or needing connection and closeness. Instead of honestly acknowledging his fears and working through them with Lydia, he tightens up and bristles in the presence of her affection. Caught in a trap, he’s unable to stay open or receive her love. And he’s unable to respond in kind and express his love for Lydia, or connect with her meaningfully.
THE PROCESS:
Craig came to see me, distraught about his relationship with Lydia. They’d been engaged for over a year and had yet to tie the knot. His inability to move forward was the source of much tension in their relationship, with him constantly doubting he could trust Lydia and worried that if they married, she would turn on him and somehow take advantage of him.
The behavior Craig displayed on the evening of Lydia’s birthday is characteristic of the typical attachment styles that people develop to adapt to their own early experiences and protect themselves in their relationships.
When I first started working with Craig, it soon became clear he had an avoidant attachment style, something that affects about a quarter of the people in the United States. By the time Craig started his therapy, this attachment style was deeply ingrained. Those with an avoidant attachment style naturally and unconsciously deactivate their need for closeness and connection in order to avoid pain. In Craig’s case, this stemmed from his early experiences in which his parents endured a contentious divorce, leaving his mother as the sole breadwinner while his father became distant, unreachable, and argumentative.
Out of fear of upsetting his parents and further fracturing his already broken family, Craig learned to suppress his feelings and his desire for closeness and caring, thereby avoiding the danger and pain of being hurt again.
Craig remained wired like this into his adult life where the prospect of closeness with another continued to feel threatening, leading to him behaving in ways that kept his heart under tight wraps.
His nervous system anticipated pain every time he started to feel vulnerable and in need of Lydia’s affection. His internal working model, based on countless experiences he had as a child, dictated that when it came to relationships, his emotional needs were to be avoided as they’d only result in disappointment and despair.
While celebrating Lydia’s birthday with friends, Craig outwardly appeared fine, jokingly interacting with everyone around him. But when alone with Lydia, he reached for his laptop to try and find safe cover. When presented with the possibility of a more intimate connection, feelings inside him stirred and his old wiring kicked in, leading him to find ways to keep his emotions hidden so he could return to his safe zone.
The painful events of Craig and Lydia’s evening could have gone much differently had Craig been able to recognize that his defensive behavior was a response to his own unmet needs for connection established in childhood.
If Craig was going to get anywhere different, he needed to back up and get some space from his distress and try to stay present with his experiences for long enough to realize there was nothing for him to be afraid of anymore. Doing so might have led to him apologizing to Lydia for being defensive and getting things back on track with her.
Instead, Craig was at a loss about what to think, do and feel, and deeply ashamed of his inability to be successful in love.
I could tell he cared deeply for Lydia and felt awful about hurting her. He longed to be close and connected but was afraid of taking the risk and opening up because of a fear of being hurt. Craig needed to get a better handle on what was happening inside of him.
I told Craig that I thought something about Lydia trying to connect with him had put him on the defensive.
“I think your nervous system got the better of you,” I said.
Then I drew the Triangle of Experience on a piece of paper for him, mapping out his emotional dynamics and explaining how his defenses were causing him to go into fight mode when he felt threatened.
I pointed to the bottom corners of the triangle which I’d left blank and asked Craig which core feelings might have gotten stirred up for him. I hoped that seeing everything laid out clearly in a diagram would help Craig understand what was happening for him and begin to do the work of turning his emotional dynamics around.
After explaining the benefits of the triangle, I asked Craig to get settled, feet grounded and to feel his body supported by the couch. Then I said, “Picture that moment between you and Lydia from the other night, and as you do, stay open to your experience and let whatever happens happen.”
Craig sat still, his face serious. “I feel kind of tense,” he said.
I nodded. “Something is making you anxious. Where in your body are you feeling tense?”
“In my stomach.”
“Can you explain what it’s like? Describing it can help ease the discomfort.”
“I don’t know. It kind of feels like pressure.”
“Okay, you’re doing great,” I said. “Stay with it and give it room. Breathe into that place inside you and notice what happens.”
Doing this exercise represented a pivotal moment for Craig. After almost a lifetime of suppressing his feelings, he was taking a risk by attempting to stay open and in the present moment. He was turning toward his emotional experience and giving it room, something that took plenty of courage. But it was the only way to loosen the grip of his old programming.
As Craig allowed room for his emotions, he found himself recalling a memory from his childhood just after his parents had divorced when he was alone in bed, feeling sick to his stomach. He remembered lying there, wanting to call for his mother, wanting her to comfort him, but not wanting to bother her given that she was already under so much pressure.
“I didn’t want to give her more problems, she had it tough enough, but it was scary. I tried to tighten my stomach up and make the pain go away.”
“That’s so painful to me,” I said. “You were left alone when you so needed love and care. And you felt you had to make your feelings go away.”
Craig looked at me, pain in his eyes and tears rolled down his cheeks.
Even many years later, Craig’s nervous system was still being governed by those memories, the little boy inside of him terrified of overwhelming someone with his feelings and needs.
THE RESULTS:
In our work together, Craig learned how to stay present with his experiences, allowing unprocessed feelings from his past to begin to release and move through him. Doing so enabled him to begin to more effectively respond to different aspects of his experiences, so he could bring a better version of himself to his relationship with Lydia and relate to her more skilfully.
Eventually, Craig’s hard work, persistence and commitment paid off and things started to shift. With a better understanding of what was going on for him, Craig took a risk and tried something different when he got home from one of his therapy sessions with me. He could tell Lydia was still smarting from their recent problems. Usually, Craig would have kept his distance, waiting for things to blow over. But this time he decided to tell her about what he’d discovered in our work together. About how he lashes out when afraid. He also shared some of his history with Lydia, explaining why it hadn’t felt safe for him to be vulnerable with her.
And as he talked, an amazing thing happened. Lydia softened. She thanked him for being open, empathized with him and told him she understood. The tension between them subsided. Craig felt relieved and closer to Lydia.
SUMMARY:
It’s a huge step for anyone with an insecure attachment style to open up to their feelings. To allow themselves to be vulnerable and share their experiences with others. By doing so and despite having kept his heart under wraps for over 40 years, Craig was starting to turn things around in his relationship.
Of course, there would still be situations ahead in which he and/or Lydia would get defensive and hijacked by their old wiring, but that was to be expected, as it takes time to develop new patterns of responding.
It also takes time to develop emotional mindfulness skills. But every time we intentionally attend to our experience, we strengthen our abilities. Little by little, over time, it all adds up. Then, all of sudden something clicks and the work we’ve been doing comes together. We can see what’s happening in the moment and shift gears. We’re able to do things differently and find ourselves in a better place.
