THE SITUATION:
‘Lisa’ was picking up her partner ‘Greg’ from the airport as he returned from a short business trip. She stopped by the store to get a few things for the special meal she’d prepared to welcome him back.
After meeting him and telling him about the meal, ‘Greg’ said, “That sounds great. I should have enough time to eat with you and then meet the guys later for drinks.”
‘Lisa’ felt her jaw tighten. She thought to herself: I haven’t seen him for nearly a week, and on his first night back he’s planning to meet his friends? She felt the anger swell inside but hid it behind a cool smile and asked ‘Greg’ about his trip.
THE ISSUE / PROBLEM
Unbeknown to her, ‘Lisa’ is afraid of the anger she feels inside towards ‘Greg’. It makes her uncomfortable and so she tries to dismiss it. But the more she does this, the more it eats away at her and increases her resentment.
THE PROCESS
When ‘Lisa’ first came to see me for therapy, she described herself as being a happy-go-lucky person who enjoyed life. But lately, things with her boyfriend ‘Greg’ seemed off. She described feeling disconnected from him and that he seemed distracted when they were together. She sensed that it was what she described as his selfishness and insensitivity to her feelings that was causing her to feel depressed, unhappy at work, and unable to muster up the energy to do things she used to enjoy.
In response, I told ‘Lisa’ that it would certainly be helpful if ‘Greg’ were more attuned to her feelings. But there was another problem at work here: Lisa’s inability to experience and deal with her anger. It was as if she had no room left for other feelings while her unresolved anger remained somewhere inside her.
I explained to ‘Lisa’ that the key to feeling better was to become more comfortable with her anger. To be in touch with it and work with it inside herself. Doing so could give her clarity and the motivation to express herself and tell ‘Greg’ how she felt. By doing so in a constructive way, Lisa would maximize the chances that they could get to a better place in their relationship.
‘Lisa’ and I got to work on her feelings phobia, helping her become more emotionally mindful and present to what was going on inside of her. The first stage of this four-part process to developing “emotional mindfulness” involved ‘Lisa’ becoming more aware of her internal experience.
I also helped ‘Lisa’ identify ways in which she was avoiding her anger, her defenses. For example, ‘Lisa’ tended to dismiss her feelings, explain them away by saying she must be tired or was being too hard on ‘Greg’.
Then we looked at ways to help ‘Lisa’ ease the discomfort she felt when she got close to her feelings – the second of the four stages – Taming the Fear, so that she could begin to befriend them. I showed her how to tune-in to the tension she was feeling in her body, how to relax her muscles and breathe-in to the experience.
Gradually, ‘Lisa’ began to feel more open to the internal experience of her anger – the third step of my process – Feeling it Through. She learned how to ride the wave of her emotional experience and to lean into the benefits that come from our core emotional experience.
It took time for ‘Lisa’ to become adept at handling her feelings and to then find the courage to share them with ‘Greg’, the fourth and final step of my emotional mindfulness process – Opening Up.
THE RESULTS
By working through the four-step process, and beginning to open up to ‘Greg’, ‘Lisa’ experienced a marked improvement in her relationship with him as well as in other aspects of her life. She felt happier, rediscovered her enthusiasm for her job, felt a renewed sense of energy as if, as she put it, “an essential lifeforce had returned”.
Toward the end of our work together, ‘Lisa’ told me that she and ‘Greg’ had recently gone away for the weekend to a resort in the mountains. They woke on the first morning and sat and marvelled at the view of the sun rising over the lake. After breakfast, as ‘Lisa’ popped back to their room to get her camera, she noticed ‘Greg’ on his phone pacing back and forth. They’d both agreed to leave work behind for the weekend. When she asked him who he was calling, he said he was just checking messages, but ‘Lisa’ sensed he was distracted by a work issue.
She felt a burning sensation building inside her which, based on the emotional work she’d done, she now recognized as manifestations of her anger. She initially thought about letting it go but then caught herself, recognizing that reaction as a defense. “I knew where that would lead,” she told me. “I would be fuming or distant the whole weekend.”
So she took a breath, steadied herself, and turned to ‘Greg’ and said, “This is hard for me but it feels important to let you know that I’m feeling a bit angry. We agreed to leave work behind us this weekend and really prioritize our being together.” ‘Greg’ got a little defensive and reiterated that he was only checking his messages. More anger welled in ‘Lisa’ but she stayed with it and told ‘Greg’ it didn’t matter if he was just checking messages. It still meant he was thinking about work and it had the potential to affect their time together.
‘Greg’ looked away, stayed quiet, then turned back to her and said, “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to let go sometimes.”
‘Lisa’ saw genuine regret in Greg’s eyes and felt her anger begin to fade, replaced by a sense of relief. They were quickly able to shift gears and get back on track.
“We had a really great weekend,” she told me. “I felt so close to ‘Greg’.”
I looked over at her as she recounted what had happened, sitting up straight, looking pleased with and proud of herself for the way she handled that moment with ‘Greg’. All the work she’d done had enabled her to constructively express herself and enjoy the benefits of emotional mindfulness and its impact on her relationship.
CONCLUSION
Because ‘Lisa’ felt more able to be with and share her feelings, she developed a healthier sense of self. She learned how to make good use of her feelings, speak up, and get her needs met, as well as feel pride in her achievements and also experience more moments of joy.
People who are emotionally mindful are able to cry when sad, grieve when they experience loss and feel the energy of anger when they encounter unfairness. What’s more, they can enjoy being with others and are able to experience warm and loving feelings. All of which is a pretty good situation to be in.
