This is the third in a series of articles featuring real-life stories of healing and transformation based on actual people I’ve helped over the years in therapy.
Last month we explored Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable, and you can read the article here.
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THE SITUATION:
“I never said I was ready to sell the house,” ‘Frank’ thought to himself as, stunned and confused, he got off a call with his soon to be ex-wife. It had been a terse conversation in which ‘Rachel’ had told him that she’d listed the house where they’d lived together for the past ten years. It would be on the market within a week.
This possibility was something they’d recently discussed briefly, but as far as Frank was concerned, no decision about the future of the property had been made. Somewhere deep inside him, beyond his conscious awareness, Frank started to feel angry. A part of him wanted to phone Rachel back and confront her, saying “How dare you go ahead and do that!”
But, in the moment, this part of him wasn’t apparent because anxiety and worry were monopolizing his attention.
He paces the house for hours and hours, re-running the phone conversation over and over in his head. He can’t sleep that night with his thoughts bouncing back and forth and goes to work the next day bleary-eyed and feeling drained, wondering if he’ll have the energy and focus to get through the day.
THE ISSUE / PROBLEM:
Frank is unable to acknowledge and identify what he’s truly feeling in response to the news from Rachel.
THE PROCESS:
Frank came to see me when the stress caused by his divorce became unmanageable. Even though he was embarrassed to talk about it, he shared with me a problem he’d encountered during his marriage – difficulty opening-up emotionally. He often second-guessed himself and tried to rationalize away his feelings. This pattern caused him to be confused about what was going on inside of him, and for his wife Rachel to describe him as ‘emotionally distant’.
Through our work together, it became clear that Frank was not without feelings, he was just very anxious about having them and didn’t know how to be with or make the best use of them.
I worked with Frank to help him become more aware of his feelings and to recognize how he was avoiding or interrupting his emotional experiences. I showed him the benefits of identifying and naming his feelings by painting a picture of how he might have reacted differently to the call with Rachel had he been more emotionally mindful and able to label the experiences he felt.
Had Frank been emotionally mindful, the initial shock of the news from Rachel during the phone call would have most likely remained the same, and Frank would no doubt have paced around the house for a bit trying to process what he’d heard. But after a while, I suggested that he would likely have become aware that he hadn’t stopped moving since coming off the phone and that he was getting pretty worked up.
Instead of continuing pacing around, it’s likely he would have sat down and noticed his heart beating quickly and feelings of agitation coursing through his body. He would have recognized these as symptoms of anxiety and named it as such, then spent some time calming himself down. And, as he focused inwardly even more, he would have recognized that there was more going on emotionally than just his anxiety. His urge to lash out was a sign of his anger, a core feeling that would be important to recognize and label. And doing so would have prompted a shift in the energy in his body. That’s what happens when we recognize and name our feelings. Things would have felt clearer. He might have said to himself: “She has no right to put the house on the market without consulting with me!” And then he would likely have called Rachel back and, from a more centered place, communicated his anger at what she’d done, a move that would have enabled them to take steps to sort out the situation then and there, instead of letting the issue fester.
As part of our work together, I helped Frank focus on his breathing and reaffirmed the importance of him paying attention to his physical experiences when he felt anxious. At first Frank questioned how doing this could help. It felt counter-intuitive to think about his anxiety at a time when he just wanted it to go away. I explained to him that if anxiety is acknowledged, its intensity decreases and encouraged him to give the process I recommended a try.
THE RESULTS:
Frank’s skepticism began to dissipate when he tried focusing on his feelings and experiences, and he discovered that by simply tracking and describing his anxiety, his distress noticeably decreased.
This experience put Frank in a stronger frame of mind to better navigate the stresses of his divorce. When the dust had settled on his separation, Frank started dating again and began enjoying his life once more. He found a new partner who was so generous with her loving feelings toward him, often calling him just to say “I love you”. But the warm feelings Frank experienced when he heard her say those words were soon replaced by uneasiness as he remembered his ex-wife calling him emotionally distant.
He knew on some levels there was truth to her words – he did find it hard to share his feelings and it was scary for him to open up. But he didn’t want his new partner to feel disconnected from him. He wanted to get it right this time.
One evening as they chatted together, Frank wanted to tell her how he felt. But anticipating doing so caused old feelings of anxiety to surface – the fast beating heart and cold hands he knew all too well. Remembering our work together, Frank focused inwardly and tried to center himself. He felt his distress begin to abate, took a deep breath, and then went for it, telling her: “I was thinking about you today and just how wonderful you are… and how I don’t really tell you enough… how much I love you.”
His new partner smiled and said how nice that was to hear. She moved closer and they embraced. The experience left Frank feeling pleased with himself that he’d opened up a bit, and he’d noticed that doing so wasn’t so scary. “I need to do this more often,” he thought to himself.
CONCLUSION:
By paying mindful attention to his emotional experience and by showing a degree of determination, Frank was able to open up to a deeper level of closeness in his new relationship. He was on the way to having more of the kind of life he wanted.
The simple act of attuning to and naming our feelings for what they actually are is a powerful tool for regulating anxiety and helping us feel more in control. One of the best things about naming our feelings is that it enables us to stay open to our emotional experience and reap the benefits our core emotions afford us. We can tell if a label doesn’t fit because the emotional energy we feel doesn’t change. But when it does fit, we can feel a change almost instantly. It’s like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle easily snapping into place. The energy in our body alters and we feel a sense of relief, which not only helps reduce the anxiety we’re feeling but tells us we’re on the right track. We’re tuning into our emotional truth and finding a healthy way forward.
