This is Part 4 of a 6-part series in which we take a closer look at the basic emotions: Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Love, Fear, and Guilt/Shame. Simply click on each link to view the associated article.
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Guilt & Shame
While we are grouping guilt and shame together for the purposes of this article, there are key differences between these two core emotions that shouldn’t be ignored. Yes, they belong to the same family of emotions, but they differ in a fundamental way: Generally speaking, guilt usually relates to actions we’re considering or have taken, or things we’ve said, while shame has more to do with how we feel about ourselves.
Feeling guilt is a sign that we’re considering, doing, or have done something wrong. Experiencing shame signals to us that we’re feeling over exposed and vulnerable, or we’ve violated a social norm. It’s the difference between I’m a bad person (shame) and I did something bad (guilt) and it’s important the distinction between the two isn’t overlooked or blurred.
All of us will, at some time in our lives, experience both of these emotions. They’re wired in and, as such, are meant to be helpful to us. We can feel guilt perhaps in the form of regret at not keeping a promise we made, or for something we said that caused us to fall out with a loved one or trusted friend. There will be times when we feel remorse or mortification for something we’ve done that we dearly wish we could take back.
Shame can manifest itself as mild embarrassment, perhaps when we get caught admiring our own reflection, or we wave back at someone we thought was waving at us but actually wasn’t. At the stronger end of the scale of shame, we can feel humiliation if someone says something about us, perhaps to do with how we look or what we’re wearing.
Of course, there are plenty of things that many of us feel guilty or ashamed about that we shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed about. None of us need be ashamed of who we truly are, or our bodies, or having a hobby or interest that others might think geeky, or sharing opinions that might go against the grain of what most people think or believe. But, regardless, the feelings of guilt or shame are likely to manifest themselves regularly in our daily lives, so how can we take steps to reduce the impact they have on our wellbeing? First, we need to become more aware of what happens to us when we experience these emotions.
What happens to us when we feel guilt or shame?
Guilt and shame are a little different than most of the other basic emotions in that their energetic flow runs from the outside in, causing us to want to pull inward, curl up into a ball and hide away. If we feel guilty about something we’ve said to someone and we bump into them at a later date, we’re likely to be unable to look them in the eye and we’ll feel the impulse to avert our gaze. Other physical manifestations can include getting a sickening feeling inside, a lowering of our heads (hanging our head in shame), decreased energy levels or an increase in a sense of heaviness in our bodies. We are also likely to feel the urge to withdraw from the situation we find ourselves in. To pull away from people or hide away. Who hasn’t at some stage felt so embarrassed that they wished the ground beneath them would open up and swallow them whole?
Guilt and shame provoke such strong and unpleasant physical sensations within us. They are likely to create a need within us for understanding, forgiveness, or acceptance. But how do we get to a place in which we can begin to ask others for those things we need? It can be hard for us to face the guilt we feel about something we’ve done, but by staying open to our feelings we can move through them and ultimately get to a place where we can start to make amends. And that’s the purpose of practicing emotional mindfulness, which is process that I focus on in my books Living Like You Mean It and Loving Like You Mean It.
When we approach emotional mindfulness from a place of openness, acceptance and zero judgement, it can help us move from wallowing in our feelings of guilt and shame to a place where we can start to change things. When we are able to identify, accept and feel our way through our guilt, we get the motivation to make amends. We can find ways to make the apology we need to make, or take steps to regain the trust and respect we may have lost as a result of something we’ve done or said.
Sometimes our feelings of guilt and shame are triggered reflexively without us realizing it.
It’s in these moments that practicing emotional mindfulness is essential. If we can stay present with our experience, be mindful of it and stay open and curious to all that’s there, we can get past our defensive response and connect with our core feelings. The more we relate to our inner experience in this way, the easier it becomes to see our way through to a better place.
An exercise to help manage feelings of guilt and shame
As with all emotions, when we learn to notice how we respond to feelings of guilt and shame, we’ll likely discover these emotions are always moving and changing. They are not set in stone. They can be changed. Here’s an exercise that will help you increase your awareness of your feelings and enable you to practice emotional mindfulness:
Think about a time when you broke a promise or said or did something that caused someone pain or sorrow. Or imagine doing something that you knew would hurt or betray a loved one. Or committing an act that you believe would violate a strict moral code.
You could also think about the most embarrassing experience you ever had, or picture yourself doing something that would be embarrassing. Whichever of these scenarios you remember or imagine, what physical sensations do you experience?
How you experience your feelings and what you experience is neither right nor wrong – it just is.
Perhaps you felt some of the common physical manifestations of guilt and shame outlined earlier in this article. But if you noticed different sensations, that’s also beneficial as it’s a sign that you are mindfully tuning-in to your body and bringing yourself closer to your feelings. You can then listen to what your feelings are telling you and what they may be prompting you to do. By doing so, you’ll be increasing your ability to attend to your inner experience and take constructive steps towards changing those things in your life that are causing you to experience guilt or shame.
