This is the seventh case study in my series of real-life stories of healing and transformation based on actual people I’ve helped over the years in therapy.

Last month we explored “Overcoming avoidant attachment style”, and you can read the article here.

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THE SITUATION:
‘Alex’ scanned the car radio to find something to listen to. It landed on a station playing Christmas carols.
“Oh, I love this one, honey,” his wife said from the passenger seat as the familiar melody of Silent Night filled the car. “Let’s listen.”

Alex felt something catch inside him. It was almost a year to the day that both his parents had been killed in a car accident on the same road he was now traveling.

Hearing the carol stirred memories of happy times he’d spent with his parents. He could feel tears coming to his eyes and turned away from his wife, not wanting her to see.

He thought to himself: Come on, guy, get a hold of yourself. You need to be strong.

He gripped the steering wheel and struggled to push the feelings down as Silent Night continued to play.

THE ISSUE/PROBLEM:
Alex was afraid of his sadness and afraid to mourn his parents. He didn’t like being vulnerable and didn’t want to let his grief over the death of his parents show, especially in front of his wife. He was afraid that if he let go, he’d lose control and become an emotional mess and his wife would think him weak.

THE PROCESS:
When Alex first came to see me, it was clear that, deep inside, he had unprocessed sadness over the loss of his parents and worried that opening up to his feelings would just worsen his sense of loss.

Alex was stuck in a deep well of grief, not only about losing his parents so suddenly, but also about the lack of closeness he’d experienced with them when they were alive.

I told Alex that avoiding his emotional experience was preventing him from being able to move through his feelings. Getting stuck like this was typical for people who, for a host of different reasons, were not feeling their feelings all the way through to completion.

By suppressing his feelings, Alex was preventing the natural energetic flow of his emotions from going in the direction they were wired to take him. I told him that if he weren’t so afraid of his sadness, it was likely he’d feel some relief from letting himself grieve for his parents more openly. I also suggested that he share his feelings with his wife, as this could lead to him feeling closer to her and less alone with his pain and sadness. He might even discover – odd as it may seem – that sharing his pain with another can actually feel good.

I seized the opportunity to tell Alex about the misconception many people have that feelings are never-ending – a typical defence against sadness. I told him, “All feelings have a natural flow to them. Like a wave, they rise up, crescendo, then dissipate. When feelings are fully felt, they really don’t last very long, sometimes only minutes, sometimes only a few seconds.”

Alex looked at me with some disbelief. “Really?” he asked. But I could see the wheels turning.

I replied by saying, “It’s only when the natural flow of our feelings is thwarted – often by fear, anxiety or depression, or when we get defensive or lack the support we need to face something overwhelming – that we get caught in an ‘in-between place’. We’re not fully going in one direction or another. It’s only by really feeling our emotions that we can move forward.”

Alex nodded in recognition and tears filled his eyes – a sign that he was beginning to open up to his emotional experience and allow his feelings to run their natural course.

As we began to explore his emotions, Alex became increasingly aware of how much he’d been avoiding his emotions. To make the exploration process more manageable and less overwhelming, Alex and I worked on clarifying and disentangling the different feelings he was experiencing – sadness, anger, guilt and love.

I showed him how to mindfully give each of these feelings room to breathe and by doing this a little at a time, Alex eventually experienced a deep sense of relief and renewal. He found himself feeling more alive and connected with himself and others in his life. He stopped worrying about wallowing in his sadness.

THE RESULTS:
Alex stepped back to look at the Christmas tree he’d just decorated. He noticed a bare spot among the branches. Among the clutter on the floor he saw a box still with its lid on. I knew there had to be a few more left, he said to himself.

He sat on the couch and opened the box, instantly recognizing the ornaments he and his wife had bought when on vacation in Maine a few summers ago. He was about to call his wife in from the other room when something else caught his attention – a ceramic snowman he’d made at school as a child. He remembered the day he gave it to his parents, so proud of his creation. His mother had made a big fuss and every Christmas when she hung it on their tree, she’d tell him it was her favorite decoration. She was always so sweet that way.

Alex’s heart ached, his throat tightened and tears welled up inside him. Although it had been a while since his parents’ tragic death, holidays were still emotionally challenging for him. He missed his parents most this time of year. He felt the urge to get up and busy himself as his wife entered the room.

He still found it difficult to be vulnerable in front of her and found the prospect of opening up to his feelings scary. The advice and information I’d shared with him wasn’t going to radically shift things for him overnight. But knowing that his sadness wouldn’t last forever and that something good was likely to result from being more open about his feelings allowed Alex to feel less anxious and more ready to move in a healthy direction. He was tired of holding back and wanted to feel close to his wife.

He looked down at the ornament for a moment, took a deep breath to try and settle his nerves and then looked at his wife.
“What’s the matter, Al, are you OK?” she asked, concerned by the pain she saw in his face.
“Um, it’s my parents, I was just thinking about them,” he admitted, and then looked back down.

She sat next to him and put her arm around him. Alex was going to tell her about the ornament but stopped himself. His wife’s presence was comforting and he felt as though he could melt. He sensed the sadness rising up inside of him. But instead of pushing it back down as he’d done so many times in the past, he tried something different.

Alex shifted his weight slightly to feel more grounded and took a deep breath. Let it come, he told himself. And slowly he exhaled. As he gave way to his feelings, the sadness in him broke through. Tears streamed down his cheeks. His wife rubbed his back as he cried deeply.

Afterward, the two of them sat quietly together, holding hands. Alex thought about what had just happened. About how he’d let his guard down and opened up to his wife. He had cried so hard and now actually felt better for it. The deep grief he’d felt only a few moments ago had passed. In its place he felt relief, and when he thought about his parents, instead of sadness, he felt a sense of warmth and connection.

Alex looked at his wife and felt so close to her in that moment. His eyes filled with tears again, but this time they were tears of gratitude. His heart swelled and he squeezed his wife’s hand and said tenderly, “You know, I really love you.”
She smiled with deep affection and said, “I love you too.”

SUMMARY:
Alex’s experience is a very common one. He was aware of his sadness and his urge to avoid it but didn’t know what to do about it. Through our work together, he learned not to hold back and instead ground himself, take a deep breath and give way to his feelings. When he reflected on his experience, he discovered that feeling his way through his grief had brought him to a more positive place in which he felt more connected to his wife and his parents.

Where once he felt pain, Alex’s heart was now filled with love and gratitude. He was well on the way to changing his relationship with his emotions and the associations in his brain.

We often worry that giving way to sadness will make matters worse, that it will cause us to miss what we’ve lost even more.

But as Alex discovered, the opposite is true.

Taking one’s fears out and holding them up to the light of reality often helps to reduce them. Grief, particularly when it’s shared, can lead to comfort and healing, sometimes even happiness. It clears away the dark clouds of pain and sadness, enabling us to see and more readily connect with the warm, loving feelings and memories that are also there inside us. In short, it’s healing.