“Look at the grass. I know the lawn’s gotten way too long. But the lawnmower needs fixing, and I just can’t face doing it yet. “
“I know the deadline for the college assignment is tomorrow and I’ve had two weeks, but I’ve barely started it. Maybe just ten more minutes on Instagram and then I’ll get on it.”
The vast majority of us have experienced the urge to dodge or delay doing something. We know the task has to be completed, and we know there’ll be consequences if we don’t. But for some reason, we keep putting it off. We procrastinate.
Procrastinators get a bad rap and often give themselves a hard time. But our urge to avoid isn’t always down to an ‘I can’t be bothered’ attitude. The tasks most people procrastinate over are usually the ones that stir negative thoughts or emotions within us. The idea of putting up shelves in the bedroom, for instance, may bring forth such a sense of boredom at the prospect that we hit the pause button to avoid facing those feelings and, instead, go and do something else that’ll make us feel better.
It’s not laziness at work here. Procrastination is actually one of the defences we commonly employ to keep ourselves from experiencing our true feelings and the fear they engender. Oftentimes, there are strong feelings and emotions (predominantly unpleasant ones) that we’re unconsciously, and sometimes consciously avoiding facing.
In my book, Living Like You Mean It, I share the case of Mark, whose procrastination actually related to a task he loved doing. He had an audition for the music therapy program at his local university. In the weeks leading up to his audition, Mark often seemed to find something else to do (other than the practice he ought to be doing). Running from one thing to the next, whiling away an hour or two chatting on the phone while playing video games. Once in a while, he’d sit down at the piano to practice for a bit and then abruptly quit when it got challenging.
Why was Mark doing this? He loved playing the piano and wanted the role he was auditioning for. The trouble was that, for Mark, whenever he got excited about something he liked doing, he started feeling anxious. And to stop himself feeling anxious, he tried to distract himself with games and phone calls — anything but piano practice.
We often procrastinate to avoid doing what makes us feel anxious, or bored or emotional.
But if Mark could only learn to tolerate his fears and not avoid them, maybe moving forward wouldn’t be so scary. Maybe he’d feel freed-up to follow his dreams.
Procrastination can be seen as a form of wallowing, of getting stuck, which is what happens when we’re not feeling our feelings all the way through to completion. When we’re not going with the energetic flow of our emotions and with where they’re wired to take us.
Really feeling our emotions is what puts an end to wallowing and allows us to move forward. But doing that is easier said than done, of course, and there have been some weird and not-so wonderful ways people have tried to stop themselves procrastinating in the past. Writer Victor Hugo, famous for The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Les Misérables, is said to have been a frequent procrastinator who, when experiencing a bout of avoidance, insisted his servant strip him naked in his study and force him to remain so until he started work again, at which point he could have his clothes back. Of course, that’s an extreme example, but it illustrates the lengths some people are prepared to go to address the issue. Certainly there’s got to be a better way than shaming ourselves into action!
My four steps to living like you mean it helped Mark, the pianist, overcome his anxiety, and can help anyone face procrastination caused by fear of the feelings and emotions evoked by the task they’re consciously or subconsciously avoiding.
In Mark’s case, as in many, one of the key problems was his lack of awareness about his feelings. He simply wasn’t paying attention to or recognizing the signs. And that’s something the first of my four steps – Recognize and Name – aims to address.
“We can’t change an unhelpful behavior when we don’t even know we’re doing it.”
On those occasions when we recognize that we might be feeling something, as soon as we feel the slightest bit of distress, we’re back to our avoidant strategies. We do all we can to stop feeling the feelings that we’re uncomfortable with.
“We avoid our feelings and do everything we can to steer clear of them, to keep them hidden. We distract ourselves, push our feelings aside, stuff them back in and hope they’ll go away. No real change in how we feel or how we behave is going to take place until we deal with our feelings.”
So we need to recognize what’s happening to us. Stop, Drop and Stay is the second of my four steps and calls on us to put the brakes on, slow down and tune in to our internal experience. Learn to accept and be with those unpleasant thoughts and feelings and work through them. Doing so makes these tasks seem less unpleasant and daunting, giving us less reason to procrastinate.
Pause and Reflect is the third of the steps, a chance to show yourself some self compassion. Know that everyone procrastinates sometimes, and that putting off doing something once or for just a few hours, isn’t proper procrastinating. And avoiding procrastination doesn’t mean working harder or getting better at managing your time. The key to overcoming procrastination is to mindfully relate to the issue, something that links in with the fourth of my steps which requires the development of what I call emotional mindfulness – purposely paying attention to our physically felt emotional experiences as they happen.
“When people open up to their feelings… they no longer feel stuck. Rather, they notice a sense of flow, of movement., of positive energy running through them. It’s an energy that enlivens them, makes them feel stronger and more empowered. An energy that moves them to open up, to break through old barriers, and to experience themselves anew.”
It’s important to recognize that the fear we have around our emotions is an old fear based in the past, not in the present. Even though the fear itself is very much experienced in the here and now, our response is really the result of old programming. We’re still responding as though there were a reason to be afraid, and in most instances, there isn’t.
Our brains are malleable and open to growth and change. Through new experiences we can actually change the way our brain is wired. Allowing ourselves to be present with our feelings in a positive and healthy way rewires our brains so we eventually come to experience them with less fear.
By uncovering the real, emotional reasons behind our desire to put off doing something, we can get ourselves in the frame of mind in which we are aware of our feelings, able to work with them, pass through them and use this newfound experience, knowledge and confidence to face those tasks. So lawnmowers get fixed before the grass grows wild, and college assignments get completed on time!
