“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
“Tis the season to be jolly.”
A quick review of the lyrics of popular holiday songs reveal a general fun and good times theme running through them. For most, December brings a season for gatherings of friends and family at Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year. We may get together with people we perhaps haven’t seen for a while, with the intent of celebrating the season and sharing in good times. But, for many, the season brings with it memories of those we’ve lost. As such, it can also be a time to remember past experiences with those with whom we’ve shared life events in the past.
It’s important to know that it’s pretty common to be reminded of people we’ve lost at this time of year. A season that’s so much about being with loved ones is certain to stir memories of those we held dear but are no longer here. To have moments of reflection, feelings of sadness as we recall times gone by. It’s inevitable that these recollections will evoke emotions. Joy is often tinged with sadness. So, how do you cope with these emotions and not let your mood or feelings dip into negativity or anxiety during this festive season?
The first step you can take is to acknowledge that you’re having feelings and to just let them be present. Don’t try to push them away. Don’t try and tell yourself you’re being silly and getting over-emotional. Let the feelings come, like a wave. And ride that wave to the shore.
The wave analogy provides a really useful way of describing how emotions are meant to be experienced. Often, like a wave, our feelings start off small, then build and rise in intensity until they crest. And then, if we stay with them and see them through, they dissipate. But for them to come to completion, you have to abide with them. You have to ride them out. Some of our feelings will come and go quickly. Others take longer to resolve. On occasions, several waves of different emotions may arise in quick succession, like when we give into the grief that emerges as we recognize a loss of someone dear to us.
Whatever the wave, the way to ride it is to acknowledge your emotions, remind yourself to breathe and give them lots of room inside you, and stay with them until the energetic wave of our feelings naturally takes us to shore. Doing this, rather than blocking them or pushing them away, helps us see that, when we face them, feelings don’t last forever, and, crucially, helps us learn to tolerate our emotions.
At the very least, we need to be willing to see and accept our feelings for what they are. If we’re sad at some point during the holiday season, then we’re sad. We don’t need to deny or disguise that. Avoidance actually prolongs our distress and makes things worse. It’s like trying to keep nature from running its course. We don’t get to choose our feelings. But we do get to choose how we react to them, and we need to know that fighting them won’t make them go away.
Sure, no one likes having feelings of sadness, especially at the time of year when the pressure’s on to be happy and have fun. But, if we can accept our feelings for what they are and give them space to be, we can begin to feel our way through to a different and better place. Even when emotions are painful, allowing ourselves to feel our feelings is healing in and of itself.
In short, we need to get out of our own way. Too often, we interrupt the natural flow of an emotional wave and stop our feelings before they fully arrive. For instance, if we begin to experience feelings of sadness, we will try to brush them off, tell ourselves it doesn’t matter. But that just keeps it hanging around. The fastest way to get to a better place happens when the emotions come and run their course.
Often, our feelings have an outward movement to them. For example, when we’re sad, we may feel a lump in our throats. Tears may well-up inside us and eventually stream out of our eyes. Mindfully paying attention to the physical experience of emotion creates an internal space in which our feelings can come forward and run their course.
Emotional mindfulness can help us make room for our feelings and feel our way through them, which is step three, “Feeling it Through” in my four-step approach to overcoming fear and connecting more deeply with yourself and others, which I discuss in greater detail in my first book Living Like You Mean It.
Ultimately, our feelings are there to be helpful to us. When we truly feel our feelings, we free-up a wellspring of energy inside us. If we let this emotional energy flow in the way nature intended, it has the power to carry us to a place of wholeness and renewal. It gives us a sense of empowerment to know that we have faced and mastered thoughts and feelings that we have previously avoided and feared.
With practice, you can master the skills needed to sail your emotional ship through the ups and downs of the holiday season and onto new, calmer horizons in the new year.
Practical exercises to help you ride the wave this holiday season:
- Take time to feel the complexity of your feelings, to notice and experience each dimension – the texture, depth, intensity.
- Focus on the feeling and ask it what it wants to do, where it wants to go. Stay present and wait to see what comes.
- Breathe deeply into the feeling, allowing it to wash over you or move through you.
- By staying with feelings of sadness and seeing them through to completion, you arrive at a new and different place.
Much of the content in this article is drawn from Dr. Ron Frederick’s book Living Like You Mean It, which is available for purchase here.
