This is the tenth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 9 we explored I for Intimacy, and you can read the article here.
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Most people who are able to be with and share their feelings have a healthy sense of self. They feel pride in their accomplishments, and experience deep moments of joy in their lives.
Experiencing excitement and joy encourages us to open up, get involved, or stay engaged in activities that already have our interest. But for many of us, there are times in our lives when we are unable to find joy, or to enjoy moments of true happiness and elation – and I speak from personal experience.
There have been times in my life when occasions that should have filled me with pride and a deep sense of satisfaction instead left me feeling suffocated or numb. Years and years of repressed feelings were clogging my system, making it practically impossible for me to really take in all that was good in my life.
Developing Our Emotions
Within the first six months of life, we’re able to experience joy, as well as sadness, disgust, and anger. By eight months we add fear.
With each successive year, our emotional capacity grows and becomes more complex. During this time, in an ideal situation, our caregivers will be emotionally available and respond to our communications in an attuned way, delighting in our joy, soothing our fears, and lovingly meeting our needs for closeness.
Our early emotional exchanges with our parents profoundly affect the workings of our brain and, consequently, how we experience our feelings. When we are emotionally in sync with our caregivers, we feel close, safe, and connected.
When Problems Arise
When our caregivers do not respond in an attuned way, it can lead us to have difficulties in experiencing a particular feeling, which can also affect our ability to be really comfortable with other feelings as well. By suppressing just one feeling, we can impact them all. For example, if we are uncomfortable with feelings of anger, this can affect our ability to experience joy.
A Case Study
Julie (not her real name) grew up with a father who was a chronic alcoholic. He never acknowledged her achievements, despite her trying for years to get his attention by doing anything she could to inspire pride in him. She was always left feeling as though she wasn’t good enough.
As she got older, she struggled to put the pain of his neglect behind her. And because she left this unattended, it lingered inside and threatened to rear its head whenever something positive happened for her.
Perhaps that’s why she had such a hard time letting herself truly enjoy her accomplishments. How could she really celebrate her success with the pain of her father’s lack of acknowledgment lurking in the background? All this unresolved pain and disappointment below the surface would get triggered whenever she was positively acknowledged by others.
This was true for Julie when she looked back on a successful time at work the previous day, pitching to a potential new client. Her performance and her boss’ positive reaction to it made Julie smile. A warm, tingly sensation spread from her heart to all the corners of her being. She sat with it a while as it lingered inside her longer than usual. But then her normal feelings of sadness took over.
At first, Julie didn’t realize she hadn’t been allowing herself to fully experience her happiness. She wasn’t aware of what was causing her to short-circuit her excitement.
But later in the day, she took a little time to make some room for her feelings, and discovered that by staying open and allowing her sadness to come forward, she could find out what had been getting in her way. She could begin to heal the pain that had kept her from a happier existence.
Julie felt a sense of compassion toward herself as she understood more clearly that memories of her father were causing her to struggle to enjoy her successes.
Julie’s difficulty with feeling proud of her achievements is very common. Although this kind of difficulty may just be about allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, sometimes, as it was for Julie, it may also reveal unresolved issues from the past, issues and unresolved feelings that need attention and care.
Unfinished emotional business can be challenging to work through. You may be able to feel your way through it on your own, but you may also find that you get stuck and are in need of some help.
Something To Try
BREATHING TOOLS
Psychiatrist Henry Emmons points out in The Chemistry of Joy, that deep abdominal breathing has “marvelous effects” on our brain chemistry. It’s the fastest way to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system and reverse the activation of a fear response. Research has shown that the slow exhalations produced by mindfully attending to our breathing actually reduce activity in the amygdala—our fear center. Moreover, deep breathing promotes an overall sense of calm and ease, bringing us to a place of deep relaxation.
Try breathing deeply when you start to feel anxious or afraid in moments that should be happy or joyous, or if you notice yourself tensing up. Concentrate on letting yourself relax and staying with the positive feelings. Practice for a few minutes daily, as this reinforces and strengthens your ability to calm yourself more readily and stay present to what’s good.
GIVING WAY
When joy rises up, try giving way to it. It may feel a little scary at first to do this, especially if you are used to suppressing your feelings. But remember, no one has ever drowned from riding the waves of their feelings.
Giving way brings openness. Rather than steeling ourselves or white-knuckling our way through feelings including joy, opening up and letting them wash over and move through us allows us to soften into them.
When you feel the energy of joy rising inside you, gently encourage yourself to go with the experience. Remind yourself that it’s safe to feel your feelings. Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, allow the energy of your feelings to flow. Visualize yourself in an open stance with your arms spread wide as you welcome the feeling. Feel joy come to you. Let it fill the space you’ve created. Little by little you can increase your capacity to feel emotions that are meant to bring you pleasure.
