This is the seventh in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 6 we explored F for Fear, and you can read the article here.
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We lower our head and do all we can to avoid looking people in the eye. We experience an overwhelming urge to withdraw and retreat from the situation in which we find ourselves, desperate for somewhere to hide or for the ground to swallow us up on the spot.
We feel ourselves sapped of energy and overwhelmed by a sense of heaviness, all while experiencing a sickening dread inside.
The signs and symptoms of guilt are as powerful as the emotion itself. An emotion we feel in the aftermath of doing or saying something we shouldn’t have. Our energetic flow when we experience guilt moves in the opposite direction to the other basic emotions. When we know what we’re doing or what we’ve done is wrong, guilt flows from the outside in, causing us to want to pull inward, curl up into a ball or just hide.
But despite this different direction of energy flow, treating guilt in the same way as other emotions can be beneficial. Like our other adaptive emotions, guilt has a flow to it. So by mindfully paying attention to the physical experiences that come with it, and creating a space inside ourselves so there’s room for our feelings to come forward, they will run their course.
When doing so, we need to put aside the desire to make something happen or to figure anything out and, instead, just need to stay present in the moment and observe what’s happening. This sense of ‘being with ourselves’ is very similar to the practice of attending to the breath in mindfulness meditation. Anyone who has practiced meditation will know that focusing on breathing both narrows our range of attention while simultaneously heightening our level of awareness and engagement.
Focusing-in on and paying attention to our feelings has a similar effect, increasing our awareness of the subtleties of our emotions and deepening our experience.
Of course, learning how to pay attention in this way takes some practice. It’s easy to get distracted and worry about the past or future, or jump into problem-solving mode. But with practice, you will recognize when you are thinking like this and develop the ability to return your attention to your felt experience, focusing on and observing what’s happening.
A Case Study
It was ten minutes until the theater performance, and Brian and his partner Eric were still in their car circling the parking lot, trying to find a space. Tensions were high as they still needed to pick up their tickets from the Box Office.
Eric stepped on the gas, and surged forward to grab a vacant space, almost colliding with another car coming around the corner. He slammed on the brakes and then, somewhat out of character, laid on the horn.
Seeing that the other driver looked incensed, Brian yelled at Eric, “Quit honking the horn!” And then, rather harshly, “What’s the matter with you? Do you want to get us beaten up by some idiot?”
After parking and as they hurried to the theater, Brian could tell that Eric was upset with him. “I’m sorry I lost it,” Brian said, trying to make amends as they walked into the lobby. “That just freaked me out.”
But Eric wasn’t appeased. “Yeah, well, you’ve been pretty critical of me lately, and I’m getting kind of sick of it. Keep your comments to yourself,” he said as he handed Brian his ticket and disappeared into the theater.
Brian stood there startled as Eric’s words rang in his ears and then he thought, Screw you. I tried to apologize, and you threw it back in my face.
Brian angrily made his way to his seat next to Eric and tried to concentrate on the performance, but couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened. He kept playing the incident over and over in his head and felt angry whenever he thought about how Eric had responded to his apology. He’s so damn sensitive, Brian thought to himself. How did he expect me to react anyway? I mean, what the hell was he thinking when he honked at that guy? If he wants to be a big baby about it, fine. Let him.
The two of them, both still irritated, barely talked to each other during the intermission.
At some point during the second act, Brian began to soften as he sensed that his anger might possibly be defensive. He was getting better at recognizing his tendency to dig in his heels and retreat to a distant internal place, to hold back on his more vulnerable feelings. Brian decided to try to stay open and look beyond his anger to see what else might be there. He thought about what Eric had said about his being critical lately and began to feel guilty, wondering if it might be true.
The last few weeks at work had been unusually stressful for Brian, and he hadn’t exactly been the most fun guy to be around. In fact, he’d been pretty difficult. And he knew he wasn’t the best when it came to dealing with stress.
As he took a more honest look at himself, he recalled another incident in which he’d given Eric a hard time. This gave Brian a sick feeling in his stomach as a wave of guilt came over him about how he’d behaved.
I’m such an idiot, he thought, and could feel himself about to get sucked into a black hole of self-criticism and despair— his old way of responding.
But he knew what he needed to do. He took a deep breath and shifted in his seat so that he could feel more grounded in the present moment. The guilt he was feeling increased in intensity for a moment, but slowly began to dissipate.
And then a different feeling came to the fore.
I’m not an idiot, Brian thought to himself, but I’ve been kind of acting like one. He closed his eyes as the feelings of guilt moved through him, and he tried to ride it out to the other side.
He felt terrible about how he’d behaved toward Eric, this man he loved so dearly, and wanted to make amends.
In the car on the way home, Brian found the courage to open up: “I’ve been thinking about what you said . . . about how I’ve been kind of critical of you lately.” Brian felt a catch in his throat, took a deep breath, and continued. “You’re right. I’ve been acting like a jerk. Work has been stressing me out and . . . well . . . I’m sure you’ve gotten the worst of me. I feel horrible about that and . . . I’m really sorry.”
Eric looked over at Brian. He could see the regret in his eyes. He sighed and then said, “Thanks; that means a lot to me.”
As he lay in bed that night, Brian thought about how the evening had gone. He felt good about how he was starting to do things differently. In the past, he would have gotten stuck in being argumentative, acting as though he didn’t care, or just shutting down. But this time he was able to recognize what was going on for him and try something new.
And although it was hard to face and be present with the guilt he felt for how he’d been acting toward Eric, he could see how staying open to his feelings enabled him to move through them and, ultimately, make amends.
Brian looked over at Eric, fast asleep beside him. He put his arm around him and pulled him close.
As this case study shows, sometimes we get triggered and respond reflexively without realizing we’re being defensive. But by practicing emotional mindfulness, we can develop the ability to stay present with our experience, to be mindful of it and stay open and curious to all that’s there. We can get past our defensive response and connect with our core feelings. The more we relate to our inner experience in this way, the easier it becomes to see our way through to a better place.
Something to try:
Take a moment to recall or imagine one or more of the following situations:
You break a promise or say or do something that causes someone pain or sorrow.
You do something you know will hurt or betray a loved one.
You commit an act that you know violates a strict moral code.
As you remember or imagine these moments, what physical sensations do you experience? Consciously direct your attention to your felt experience. If your mind wanders or your thoughts start to take over, remind yourself to come back to your body and then do just that.
Watch and observe.
Each time you repeat this behavior and bring your focus back to your bodily sensations, you’re developing a new habit. You’re training your mind to be aware of and pay attention to your emotional experience. Then, you might imagine what you could have done to make amends. Imagining a constructive response is kind of like a rehearsal and helps pave the way for us to explore healthier options in the future.
