This is the eighth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 7 we explored G for Guilt, and you can read the article here.
Subscribe to our newsletter to have these posts delivered straight to your inbox.
When we feel happiness, it’s a sign that our needs are being met and things are going well. We’re content, satisfied with where we’re at in life, and enjoying the moment.
Physically, when we’re happy we’re likely to smile, widen our eyes, experience an expansive feeling in our chest, and warm and fuzzy feelings inside. Our energy levels get a boost, we’re enthusiastic about what we’re doing and ready to engage positively with others.
In short, life is good!
So it seems strange that many of us can grow to fear these pleasurable symptoms of happiness. But why is it that the good things in life can lead some of us to worry and feel anxious?
Those of us who fear being happy are likely at the mercy of brain wiring that’s been with us since childhood. These are emotion-based associations that are preventing us from enjoying the delight, joy, excitement and elation that genuine happiness brings.
Reacting negatively to happiness stops us from feeling pleasure for very long, and limits our enjoyment of the spontaneous moments in life. It can lead us to dismiss the good things we accomplish, and causes feelings of discomfort to emerge when others compliment or praise us. We also tend to brush away the positive sensations we feel, and many of us are unable to fully share a sense of pride or happiness with those closest to us.
So, how can we learn to recognize when our outdated wiring is taking over and preventing us from living our life to the fullest?
A Case Study
As she neared the end of her hike during her vacation, Kate reflected on what had happened earlier.
She had stopped to enjoy the amazing view of the landscape with her friends and, for some strange reason, started to feel anxious.
This is so like me, Kate thought to herself. I’ve been working my butt off for so long, and now, when I have a chance to relax and enjoy myself, I can’t.
She was about to get down on herself, but, knowing how that would only make her feel worse, decided instead to get curious about what she was thinking and how she was feeling.
Later that day, while sitting by the pool at the hotel, Kate recalled what had happened earlier. As she replayed the experience in her head, she noticed that her chest began to tighten. She tried to stay with the uneasiness and see what it was about.
As she focused inward, Kate noticed that her feet were tingling and she was having difficulty remaining still. She put her hand on her heart and breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. As her anxiety began to loosen up, she became aware of a queasy feeling in her stomach.
What’s that about? she wondered. Am I getting sick? Was it something I ate? She thought about the restaurant she’d gone to with her friends the night before, the conversation they had over dinner, and then realized that her mind was wandering.
Kate brought her attention back to the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach and tried to stay with it. At first she thought that it might be shame, but, inspecting it further, she realized that this experience felt different. Then it hit her: I’m feeling guilty.
But why should I feel guilty? Kate wondered. She scanned back over the last few days to see if there was something she’d done wrong, but nothing stood out. As she focused back on the feeling, she got the sense that it was old, coming from a distant place.
As she stayed with it, she let her mind drift back in time to see what she could learn. Kate saw herself as a little girl. Her mother had a crippling illness and was often in pain. Kate remembered a time when she and her brother were playing and got a little carried away, as children often do. Her mother, who must have been having a particularly bad day, got upset and admonished them for adding to her distress.
Over time, Kate ended up worrying that if she had a good time, if she let loose and really enjoyed herself, it would somehow make matters worse for her mother. And when she did start to enjoy herself, she felt guilty, as though she had done something wrong.
Kate realized that the anxiety and guilt she was feeling now was a holdover from her past. She felt compassion toward this younger part of herself that was still worried about the possible consequences of being exuberant and joyful.
I don’t have to be afraid of letting go and enjoying myself anymore, Kate told herself, and felt a determination to turn things around.
That night, while out with her friends, Kate noticed some of the old anxiety fluttering in the background. This time she knew where it was coming from and didn’t feel thrown as she had in the past. Instead, she reminded herself that she was entitled to have a good time, that she needn’t fear upsetting anyone, and then made a conscious effort to embrace her positive feelings more fully and really enjoy herself.
It turned out to be the best night of her vacation.
Using Emotional Mindfulness
Kate used emotional mindfulness to great effect. She recognized that she was avoiding her anxiety and then later focused on it with curiosity. As she did, she became aware of different bodily sensations and attended to them. She calmed herself when her anxiety increased and stayed tuned in to what was going on inside her. When her attention drifted, she simply brought it back to her physical experience and tried to stay with it.
By allowing her guilt to come to the fore, by staying open to it and following it back in time, she uncovered the roots of her discomfort. Realizing that it came from an old place helped put things into a new perspective and made it easier to try something different.
Breaking the Ties
The more Kate leans into her happiness, the more she breaks its old ties to anxiety, worry, and guilt. She’s changing her relationship with her emotional experience and making it possible for her to experience her happiness more fully. And all the while she’s going through this process, she’s establishing new neural networks in her brain, which will expand her range of emotional options.
Something to Try
Recall a moment in your life that delighted you. Perhaps it’s a time when you won a competition, completed a project with flying colors, or went on a wonderful vacation. Alternatively, imagine having a great time with a good friend, doing something caring for someone in need, or simply hearing the sound of a child’s laughter.
How does your body respond to these thoughts and recollections? What do you notice happening to you? If you feel some discomfort, try to just allow it to be present and let yourself get curious about it. Ask your anxiety what it fears and see what comes to you. Notice what happens for you as you identify the source. Then, try putting the anxiety aside and allow yourself to be more fully in the present moment. Practice leaning into pleasurable feelings. Breathe into it and give it more room.
