This is the ninth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 8 we explored H for Happiness, and you can read the article here.
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Wanting to be closer to a loved one is a perfectly natural desire to experience. But for many, what sounds simple in principle on paper isn’t so easy in practice.
Many of us find emotional intimacy scary and prefer to not have anyone depend on us, and instead need to be independent and self-sufficient.
But our need for closeness, security, and care is biologically based and exists throughout our lifetime. We have a natural inclination to be close to another person. So why do so many of us dismiss these emotional needs, deny our vulnerability, and keep our partners at arm’s length?
The Importance of Intimacy
Intimacy – which is defined as close familiarity or friendship with someone – has always been essential for the survival of humans. Our prehistoric ancestors would not have lasted long in the wild without close emotional bonds with others. Intimacy helped them feel safe and protected, ready to tackle the many challenges of surviving.
Fast-forward to modern times, and intimacy is still vital to us right from birth. When we’re young and unable to fend for ourselves, we need to feel close to our caregivers, as we rely on them for our survival. If our caregivers are not comfortable with our need for closeness or are uncomfortable with their own emotions, it can have a negative effect on us that can persist into adulthood. That’s because if we grow so used to not expressing or avoiding our need for intimacy as children, our fears persist and we carry these expectations into our relationships when we mature.
Genuine intimacy with someone is possible only when we feel emotionally healthy, open, secure, and aware of our feelings and how they affect us.
Benefits of Intimacy
The closer we are to someone, the more we benefit. That’s why it’s important to nurture our capacity to feel and connect in a healthy way by becoming more comfortable and open with our feelings, and learning how to share them with others. If we don’t, we’re destined to experience disconnection and loneliness.
Opening up and sharing our feelings is a lifelong process. Trust and closeness grow over time if we continue to reveal our true selves to our partners. By doing so, we maximize our chances of working through a problem. We open the door to closer, stronger connections in which issues of anger can be resolved, sadness and fear can be soothed, and love can be shared more deeply.
When we constructively express what’s in our heart, we honor ourselves and our loved ones. We create the kinds of intimate relationships we really want.
Fear of Intimacy
Turning away from others when emotion starts to stir inside us. Feeling uncomfortable and nervous when sharing moments of silence with another person. Experiencing embarrassment or shame for feeling a particular way. Getting anxious when someone else expresses their true feelings. These are all manifestations of a fear of intimacy.
I wrote my doctoral dissertation on this subject, so it’s close to my heart. And I know from personal experience that issues with intimacy can stem from difficulties some of us have with being present with our feelings, especially when they relate to a loved one.
Realising that you’re not as comfortable with your feelings as you thought is concerning, and the prospect of opening up more deeply can be scary. But that’s true with many things before we actually try them.
Practicing can reduce the fear and threat we feel.
Making eye contact with someone – which is such an intimate thing to do – can feel intimidating. It can activate our implicitly stored memories from childhood and our fears about emotional connection. We may think our partners will react in a similar way to which our caregivers responded to our need for closeness in the past. We expect to be rejected, dismissed, or shamed. We’re afraid of what we’ll see in their eyes, so we avoid looking at them.
But to avoid eye contact is to miss an opportunity to confront and possibly disprove our old fears. We miss the chance to see the truth of our experience. Instead of disdain, we may see a longing to connect in our partner’s eyes. When we find the courage to look, the fullness of our partner’s being can come into focus and, if all goes well, our past fears can begin to fade. Our old programming can get a necessary update and we can see our partners more objectively and empathize with them.
Attachment Styles
How comfortable we are with intimacy and how anxious we are about our relationships, both determine our attachment style.
If you crave and enjoy closeness but fret a lot about your relationship and your partner’s love for you, then your attachment style is likely anxious.
If closeness and dependency make you uncomfortable and you don’t really worry or think a lot about your partner’s commitment to your relationship, you’re likely avoidant.
And, if you’re uncomfortable with closeness and you also worry about your partner’s availability and love for you, you’re likely fearful-avoidant.
Within each of the different attachment styles, there’s quite a lot of variability when it comes to how comfortable we are with intimacy and how preoccupied we are about our relationship and our partner’s love for us. If you want to know more about attachment styles and what attachment style you possess, please read this article.
The Importance of Opening Up and Being Emotionally Present
Emotional presence infuses our relationships with energy and vitality. It also increases our sexual desire. As empathy and compassion grow between two people, they learn to emotionally support each other more freely.
When we are able to understand and share our innermost feelings with a partner, we’re better able to get the kind of caring we need from them and, in turn, our partners feel important, valued, and loved. Overall, our relationships are imbued with a deep and abiding intimacy and, as such, are more gratifying and lasting.
Being present with and sharing our feelings, needs, and desires with our partners has the power to transform both our minds and our relationships. But this all depends on finding the courage to get out of our comfort zone and be present and engage with our partners in a more open and vulnerable way. The challenge we face is in breaking free from the old wiring in our brain that is keeping us from the riches that genuine intimacy brings.
Each time you find the courage to do things differently, to lean into your feelings instead of moving away from them, you’re changing the way your brain works and loosening fear’s grip on your emotional experience. You’re expanding your capacity to feel and to be close to others. You’re honoring your authentic self. You’re transforming yourself and moving toward the life you really want.
Every moment is full of the promise of something greater. Greater awareness. Greater vitality. Greater intimacy. It’s all within your reach.
