This is the fourth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
Last month we explored C for Courage, and you can read the article here.
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Our defenses are essentially coping strategies for fear. They are the thoughts, behaviors and reactions we use to protect and distance ourselves from the fear and anxiety we can experience when we get close to our emotions. Often called defense mechanisms, they’re the unconscious processes we use to avoid unpleasant thoughts, feelings and desires.
Where Do Our Defenses Come From?
Our defenses begin to develop when we’re young, during our earliest interactions with our caregivers. They represent the best we can do at the time to manage our connections with those caregivers – the people we need to survive and feel safe.
Early Defenses Stay With Us
Although they become refined over time, the defenses we develop as infants often become our default responses to certain feelings. If we feel sadness, we may get into the habit of dismissing our feelings. When we get angry, our default response could be to distract ourselves.
Our amygdala – the part of the brain that tells us whether we’re safe or in danger – perceives threats largely based on our past experiences. So when we start to have certain feelings, no matter what has prompted them, our amygdala sounds the alarm that we’re in danger, leading our nervous system to respond accordingly and our defenses to spring into action.
Because defense patterns are such a long-established part of our lives, the walls of our defenses can become so thick that they muffle the sound of our underlying feelings as we keep ourselves distracted and cut off. Our core feelings and the anxiety and fear they bring hide behind our controlled demeanor and only start to show up when our unconsciously self-imposed cage is rattled and our feelings threaten to break out.
Defenses Can Be Helpful at Times
Our defense mechanisms aren’t all bad. They can actually help make our feelings more manageable in situations where letting our emotions out into the open may not be appropriate – when we’re at work, for example.
How Do Our Defenses Manifest Themselves?
When our amygdala sounds the alarm that danger is near, our nervous system gets activated and our body responds with feelings of discomfort. As distress levels increase, we feel more and more compelled to do something – anything – to restore our sense of safety. This is when our defenses rush to the scene to mount a counter attack, pushing uncomfortable feelings down, or giving more acceptable feelings greater prominence.
Either way, our core emotions, needs and desires get compressed and distorted just enough to dissipate the fear we’re experiencing, and temporarily, “safety” is restored. But that sense of safety only lasts until we experience another anxiety-inducing feeling which causes the pattern to repeat itself.
Generally speaking, the kinds of defenses we resort to are either Hyperactivating (turning up the volume on certain feelings) or Deactivating (trying to make feelings go away).
We all respond differently to our feelings, but there are typical defenses that are worth becoming familiar with so you can begin to recognize these sorts of behaviors in yourself. They include:
Acting out feelings, rather than constructively expressing them
Examples: Blaming, criticizing, making demands, having a temper tantrum
Leading with one feeling over another
Examples: Getting angry when we’re actually hurt. Becoming tearful when we’re feeling angry
Being passive-aggressive
Examples: Not responding to text messages or phone calls. Showing up late for a meeting or event.
Distracting ourselves
Examples: Checking our phone or the internet. Over-focusing on work tasks
Demonstrating addictive behavior
Examples: Turning to alcohol, food, gambling, or shopping
The benefits of Being Aware of Our Defenses
Not realizing when we’re acting defensively can leave us at their mercy and powerless to do things differently. That’s why becoming aware of the defenses we employ to stop ourselves experiencing our feelings is an essential step on the journey to freeing ourselves emotionally. It allows us to change our behavior, putting us back in control, giving us more options and enabling us to make changes.
How to Develop Awareness of Our Defenses
When we’re having trouble recognizing when we’re getting defensive, there are some tell-tale signs that can clue us into when we’ve gotten hooked. For example:
The emotional tone of our experience suddenly shifts from neutral to hot or cold
Our voice gets louder or tense, or we go quiet and fade away
Our thinking and behavior becomes rigid, or our reactions get out of proportion to whatever is happening
These are all signs that we’re in a “reactive state” and responding with a sense of threat. Our perception has narrowed-in on what’s upsetting us, and we’re completely absorbed in our distress and can’t see the forest for the trees.
We’re in self-defense mode and aren’t receptive to others or able to see or hear them accurately. We’ve dug-in our emotional heels and aren’t about to budge. We’re closed off.
What to Do When We’re Triggered
When we get triggered, as we inevitably will, it helps when we can try to see it as an opportunity. Our anxiety and defenses are signposts. They’re telling us that our true feelings, needs, and desires are trying to be expressed. They’re telling us that our core self is trying to emerge. If we pause and give ourselves some room, it’s an opportunity to get to know ourselves more deeply.
You’re probably wondering—And then what do I do? This part can be challenging and takes courage. Once you’ve noticed that you’ve been triggered and have identified it as such, your task is to then do nothing. Stop yourself from reacting, make some space, and try to allow your emotional experience to be present and felt without responding or doing anything about it. Drop your defenses and just be with what’s inside of you.
Something to Try: The No/Yes Exercise
Here’s a simple exercise you can do in a quiet place where you’re free to focus-in on your felt experience.
Settle in and feel yourself grounded. Then start by saying the word “no” out loud firmly, even slightly harshly seven times.
As you say it, notice the energy, sensations and physical reactions in your body. Then pause and note down these experiences before taking a breath and letting it all go.
Next, using a much more soothing tone of voice, say the word “yes” seven times. Again, as you do this, notice what you experience inside and how it feels.
Then, as before, take a pause and note what you observed before taking a breath and letting it all go.
I’m guessing you noticed a pretty striking difference between the two states. “No” evokes the experience of how a reactive fight-flight-or-freeze state feels. Your muscles get tense, your walls go up, and you pull inward; you resist. This is precisely when our defenses show up.
Saying “yes,” in contrast, relaxes your reactivity. You open up, and you are able to receive. It is here when the echoes of the past recede from your nervous system, and you can come more fully into the present moment.
The capacity to shift into and to be in this state is what you want to grow. It starts with noticing when we’re getting activated, when our defenses are coming on line, and then slowing down and making room to be with our experience. That’s when we get the opportunity to do something different.
