In a new series, I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
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What better way to begin this exploration than with one of the basic and most essential principles of mindfulness: acceptance.
Acceptance is about adopting an unconditional attitude and seeing things free of judgment, criticism, or an intention to change. It can be a powerful antidote to unwelcome feelings and emotions, freeing us from the chatter of our thoughts and allowing us to make contact with our authentic selves.
Being accepting of emotions and seeing them for what they are can free us up to more fully experience them as they occur. It’s important to be willing to see and accept our feelings for what they are without having to change them or respond in any particular way. It’s about accepting what is and allowing it to be. It means accepting that when we’re sad, we’re sad. That feelings of anger are just that, feelings of anger. And it’s about knowing that whatever feelings we’re experiencing are neither right or wrong. They simply are.
When we don’t accept what we’re feeling, we can’t engage with it or do anything about it. Our feelings aren’t able to flow and we end up stuck. But, by remaining open, our feelings will move through us.
Feelings are a little bit like the weather. We have no choice about what it’s going to be like outside and we can’t change it. We can’t will the sun to shine, or the rain to fall, or the snow to stop. But, if we’re patient and wait long enough, the weather will change. If we fight it, if we agonize about the cold or complain about the rain, it just makes things worse. When we can accept the weather for what it is, we can deal with it and move on. The same can be said about our feelings. We don’t choose our feelings, and fighting them won’t make them go away. We don’t have to like them, but, if we can accept our feelings for what they are and allow them to have some space, we can then begin to feel our way through to a different and better place.
By attending to our emotions with acceptance, we come to see that all experience is transient and constantly changing. We discover that if we face our feelings and stay present, they eventually pass. We also come to see that, when we stay open to our experiences, we can move through them and get to a better place. It frees us from being wedded to the past or worrying about the future and enables us to be more wholly present and engaged in the here and now.
When we accept our feelings, we create space to engage with them and that in turn gives us the opportunity to do something constructive about them. Our feelings are able to flow naturally and we can feel our way through to a different and better place. We can then reflect on what our feelings may be telling us and how best to proceed.
Although the tendency to criticize or judge our feelings may seem formidable, acceptance can be a powerful antidote. It can free us from the chatter of our thoughts and allow us to make contact with our authentic self. While it may seem “easier said than done,” allowing ourselves to get curious and befriend and accept our feelings opens up the natural flow of our emotions and enables the process of change to begin. We just need to be willing and motivated to give it a try.
Something to try:
When you notice some feelings are arising in you that you’d typically try to avoid, give yourself permission to see them simply for what they are. Set judgment and questioning aside and practice getting curious about your feelings, reminding yourself that they’re neither right or wrong. If you find yourself feeling conflicted about your feelings, remind yourself that emotions are neither right, nor wrong; they just are. Then, take a look and see what’s there. If you feel resistance in your body, breathe into it. Allow the energy to open up and flow while gently encouraging yourself to stay open.
