In the second of my three part series, I take a look at what’s happening for us when the green light corner of the mindful communication triangle is lit.
In the previous article, we delved into what happens when the light turns red, and you can read the article here.
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2: Green
When the light turns green, energy is flowing in both directions. The lines of communication are open. Our defenses have eased up.
We’re listening to ourselves and to our partners and being emotionally present and connected. Our hearts and our minds are engaged and working together. In short, we’re feeling and dealing while relating.
This is the state of emotional mindfulness we need to be in for the light on the mindful communication triangle to turn green.
This color light is a sign that we’re in a receptive state. It’s telling us that it’s safe to continue moving forward. All we have to do is seize the opportunity. Take risks and share more of ourselves. Explore new ways of being and connecting with our partners. And use our mindfulness skills to steady our ship and stay the course.
Easier said than done for most of us. Because, as we anticipate moving forward into uncharted emotional territory, we may not realize we’ve gotten a green light. We may start to feel anxious or afraid and react as though we’re in danger.
Usually, that’s a sure sign our old programming is showing up. Our nervous system hasn’t yet adjusted to doing things differently. We haven’t had enough positive experiences with our partners to know that we’re in a safe zone. The only way we can really find out that conditions are fine is for us to lean forward and give opening up a try.
But that’s going to require us to push through our initial anxiety so that we can come more solidly into the present moment and see that we’re okay. The more we do that, the clearer things will become when the light is green. In fact, we’ll likely discover that the light is green more often than we realized.
The reality is that being in the green light zone is not without moments of discomfort, tension, and anxiety. It’s inevitable that we’ll feel that way when we take a risk to be vulnerable with our partners, or when they take a risk to be vulnerable with us. Feelings such as these are to be expected when we express difficult emotions or try to address challenging issues.
But, by mindfully engaging with our partners and attuning to both our own and their emotional experience, we can keep the green light glowing.
And that’s precisely what we need to do.
We need to continue to use mindfulness tools to move through any discomfort that may arise. By doing so, we stretch our emotional tolerance and expand the green light zone.
The Other Side of Green
Speaking of stretching, what happens when our partners risk being vulnerable and open with us? Do we open up further in response? Do we welcome their emotional expression with open arms? Does our light continue to stay green?
It’s easy to think that this is a watershed moment. The time when the very thing we’ve been wanting from our partners comes to fruition. Their defenses have softened and they’re showing a different side of themselves, opening up and sharing their longing, their hurt, their sorrow, or their love in a way that moves us.
But, sometimes staying present with our partner’s feelings can be challenging. Yes, we may experience good feelings in response to their opening up, but we can also encounter painful emotions. These are often caused by unprocessed feelings from our past that have long been buried inside us.
For example, as we take in our partner’s tenderness and care, it may bring to mind the sadness and pain of times when our needs weren’t met, when we weren’t seen, valued, and loved in the way we longed for – the exact opposite of what’s happening in the moment.
Although this contrast of feelings can cause a mini-internal crisis of sorts, it’s actually a good thing. Psychologist Christopher German compares this process to the “backdraft” that happens when a firefighter opens a door to where a fire has been burning and, as the oxygen rushes in from the outside, there’s a burst of flame.[i]
Similarly, when our hearts open up to take in emotional nourishment, when we receive our partner’s love, tenderness, care, or validation, painful feelings can sometimes be released.
But it’s important to know that these painful feelings are leaving us to make room for new, more positive feelings.
Our work in these moments is to stay present, receive, and abide with the feelings that come. To feel the sense of being seen, understood, cared for and loved, while allowing for sadness and pain over not having had those things in the past.
We need to stay and breathe into the tension and constriction so that it opens up, and ride out the painful feelings as they leave us. We need to develop what psychologist Diana Fosha refers to as a “receptive affective capacity,” an ability to receive the emotional offerings of our partners, their care, empathy, encouragement, recognition, and their love.[ii]
By doing this, we change our relational programming, and update our internal perception of our partners, ourselves, and ultimately what we can expect in our relationships.
So, take a deep breath, and stay the course!