In this final post of my 3-part series, I look at the yellow light on the mindful communication triangle, which comes on when we’re on the verge of being triggered.
In the previous article, we explored into what happens when the green light is lit, and you can read the article here.
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3: Yellow
Something pushes a button. Our nervous system begins to rev up. If we’re not paying attention, and aren’t tuned in to what’s happening for us emotionally, we can miss it. We don’t see the light turn yellow.
We don’t notice the feelings of discomfort we’re experiencing. We’re unaware of our heartbeat speeding up and our breathing getting shallow.
These are the signs that we’re getting activated, but we zoom right past them, our fight-flight-or-freeze response takes us to the red-light zone of the mindful communication triangle. And, well, if you’ve read Part 1 of this series, you know how the rest of that story goes.
However, it’s possible to change the story. When we’re triggered and our light turns yellow, by stretching the space between this light and the red light – the space between the stimulus and our response to it – we can recognize when we get activated, calm ourselves down, find our feet again and return to the green light zone in which we can continue engaging with our partners.
So what do we need to do to stop the yellow light from turning to red and redirect it to green?
The key lies in recognizing what’s emotionally happening for us in our bodies, slowing down, and paying attention to our felt experience. When we’re mindful of our internal state and sensitive to the signs, we can tell when we’re getting activated. We can tell when energy is rising inside of us.
These are the moments in which we need to call on our anxiety-regulating skills: recognizing and labeling what’s going on, paying attention to our breathing and slowing it down, and grounding ourselves by observing our experience.
Instead of letting our distress get the better of us, we should try to express what’s happening for us in words. We can say something like, “I notice that I’m getting activated. Something’s coming up for me but I’m trying to stay calm.” Or, “I’m starting to feel defensive and I don’t want to get ahead of myself or misspeak.”
We could use the language of parts and say, “Part of me wants to run, but I’m trying to stay present,” or, “I think the kid inside of me is getting a little worked up. She’s afraid that…”
And we could give our partners feedback about their impact on us by saying, “I want to be able to hear what you’re saying, but the way in which you’re talking to me right now is making it challenging for me.” Or, “When you don’t respond, I get anxious. I start to feel afraid that I’m losing you in some way.” Or even, “I get triggered when you don’t seem to be valuing what I am saying.”
As we’re talking, we can slow down our pace and lower the volume. Both help to regulate our internal experience. When we’re getting activated, it’s typical to talk more quickly and to get louder. Both are signs that our nervous system is revving up. Speaking slowly and more softly can help move things in the opposite direction, deepening our connection to ourselves and helping us feel more centered.
The Other Side of Yellow
As with the other lights on the mindful communication triangle, the yellow light can also come on for our partners.
Something can happen between us that causes them to get activated. We can sense it, see it, feel it. And while they’re ultimately responsible for attending to their inner experience and regulating themselves, we can help our partners out. Especially when it’s obvious that they’re having a hard time. Doing so benefits both of us by helping to keep our experience anchored in the present moment.
To that end, it’s important we communicate with our partners. We can acknowledge what’s happening for them and suggest slowing down by saying something along the lines of, “It seems as though you may be having a reaction. Let’s just slow down and take our time.”
We can also express the empathy we feel by saying, “I sense that you’re feeling afraid right now (or anxious, hurt, vulnerable, etc.) and I feel for you. I want to help. I want to support you.”
Or we can simply suggest that we pause and take a moment. Working pauses into conversations creates space for us both to be reflective and come back to center. We can also give our partners time if they need it before proceeding.
And if we talk to them in a calm, soft voice, while slowing down our rate of speech, this can be calming for their nervous system as well as our own.
We should also try to be mindful of the ways in which our reactions and behaviors impact our partners. For example, if we get activated and seem to be shutting down or on the verge of lashing out, our partner’s attachment system may spring into action. Based on their own programming, he or she may read what’s happening for us as a threat, causing them to get triggered and the yellow light to switch on.
However, if we’re mindful of these dynamics, we can ease our partner’s distress by telling them what’s happening for us. For instance, if we go silent, we can reassure them that we’re not withdrawing, but that we’re just needing a moment to think. Or, we can explain to them that, although we may sound angry, we’re actually feeling vulnerable or anxious ourselves. Being sensitive in this way to our partner’s experience benefits both parties, helping them stay in the green light zone and avoid the red.
Paying attention to these emotional dynamics gives us greater control over them. When we’re attuned to what’s happening between us, we can make better choices in terms of how we respond. We can stop when the light turns red. We can slow down and proceed with caution when the light turns yellow. And we can freely move forward when the light is green.
Being attuned to these dynamics is a skill that we can grow. The more we do it, the better we’ll be at discerning where we’re at as we communicate with our partners, enabling us to steer the experience in a helpful direction.
Something to Try
Here’s a way you can give yourself a helping hand when your light turns yellow. Literally. It’s a simple, yet powerful technique. All you need to do is locate the place in your body where you’re feeling activated and put one of your hands on it.[i] So, you might put a hand on your chest, stomach, or side. Wherever you’re feeling a sense of tension, constriction, agitation.
Doing so is calming and grounding. It’s like you’re letting the activated part of you know that you’re paying attention to it. That you see it and hear it. And that you’re going to be okay. You’re letting it know it can settle down because there’s no danger. You can handle the situation.
Once you’ve taken the edge off a bit, you can then talk about what’s happening for you, describing what you’re experiencing. Doing this will calm your nervous system and help you feel more balanced and in control.