1: Red
A while ago, I wrote a series of articles exploring the Triangle of Experience – a simple tool that can help us see better ways to respond to our emotions. Over the next few months, drawing on the work of mindful communication expert, Susan Gillis Chapman, I’ll be looking at how adding a traffic light color to each corner of the Triangle of Experience helps us identify the different states of our communication experience, and become aware of the consequences of each.
When the Light Turns Red
When one or both partners becomes reactive while engaging (the defense corner of the triangle), we can imagine that the light on the triangle has turned red. That’s telling us that channels of communication have shut down, either on one or both sides of the conversation, and it’s time to stop and regroup.
At some point, as we try to talk and share our feelings with our partners, we may get too activated to proceed in a constructive manner. Our threat alarm goes off and our defenses kick in. We may pull inward or close off. Or we may push back, argue, or say something hurtful.
When that happens, it’s a sign that the light has turned red.
We are in self-defense mode, no longer seeing clearly or listening to our partners, or even ourselves. The lines of healthy communication have shut down.
In this situation, the best thing to do is stop, take a break and get ourselves back to a more centered state before trying to move forward in a productive manner.
Just how much time we may need to stop and collect ourselves depends on what’s going on for us emotionally. Sometimes we just need a brief moment to calm our internal activation and get centered. We can pause, ground ourselves, take a deep breath and let it out slowly, whatever we need to do to calm our distress, and then gradually make our way back into the conversation.
At other times, we may need a bit longer to find calm. We may need to take more time to fully attend to whatever has gotten us emotionally stirred up.
This is the time to draw on the “Stop, Drop, and Stay” tools I feature in my books Living Like You Mean It and Loving Like You Mean It. We need to work through our feelings and take care of our inner child. When we’re clearer and have been able to separate out what’s past from what’s present and are feeling more balanced, we can return to the conversation.
Whether we pause briefly or take an extended time out, it’s best to let our partners know what’s happening for us so that they understand why we need to stop.
It’s rarely a good idea to prematurely “exit” a discussion with our partners without offering an explanation. Doing so would likely be provocative to them and only make matters worse, especially if they’re also feeling activated.
We can avoid creating any unnecessary distress by telling our partners that we just need a moment. We can explain that we’re feeling triggered or overwhelmed and need to take a break. We should also assure them that we’re not dropping the conversation and fully intend to come back to it when we’re feeling more centered and able to re-engage in a constructive manner.
The Other Side of Red
The red light of the triangle also comes on when our partners get activated—when their defenses take over and it’s clear that they’re not about to budge. That’s a sign that they’re in threat mode, no longer able to listen to us or process what we’re saying. In this situation, healthy communication is not going to be possible.
It’s another clear signal that we need to stop. But it’s one that we often miss. Why is this?
When our partners get defensive, our alarm bells go off as well and, in a flash, our lower brain threatens to take over. We get activated. Our partners say something critical and we feel the urge to retaliate or argue our case. Or, they withdraw, and we get upset and go running after them. Before you know it, we’re up to our old tricks.
But, if we can bring mindfulness to bear on the moment, we can prevent that horse from bolting. We can recognize what’s happening for our partners and for ourselves, and rein-in our defensive response. We can pause to calm ourselves and consult with the voice of wisdom inside of us.
Intuitively, we know that no good will come from getting caught up in a defensive dance. No one wins that. But when we’re mindful, we can make use of this precious knowledge in real time. We know that the best thing we can do, on behalf of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships, is to suggest that we stop.
How we suggest stopping is important as well. Given our partner’s activated state, we’d do best to use the language of “we” rather than “you”. As in, “We should probably take a break” versus, “You need to take a break.” See the difference?
Even though we may not have become reactive, using the language of “we” instead of “you” is gentler and likely to go over a lot better with our partners. They don’t hear it as an accusation that they’re being blamed in any way. Rather, it communicates that we’re holding the relationship in mind, that we’re in this together, and that we’re not opponents.
That’s a more loving approach.
