“I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why did I say that?”
“If only I hadn’t…”
Who hasn’t at one time berated themselves for reacting in a certain way, or for saying something they regret?
All of us experience moments when we get down on ourselves. Maybe we get triggered by something our partner said. Or we had an argument with them and then blamed ourselves afterwards for not reading the signals or acting differently. We often go over and over the situation in our heads. Why didn’t we do this or that? Why did we say something stupid instead of holding our tongue? The opportunities to be harsh on ourselves are seemingly boundless.
And while we’re all (justifiably) encouraged to show more kindness and compassion towards each other, kindness and compassion towards ourselves often seems in short supply. It’s all too easy to metaphorically beat ourselves up when we fall short or lose control. And it’s just as easy to see how these battles with ourselves only lead to stress , anxiety, and bad feelings. If we experience a conflict with someone else, we have the option of being able to walk away, to leave the room, take a time out or an extended break to recover our composure and get things straight. But what happens when we get upset with ourselves? There’s no walking away. Literally. But, we can find other ways to get some space to look at ourselves more objectively.
We need to take what I call a Compassion Break.
A compassion break is a chance to take step back and attend to what’s happening within ourselves. To slow down our thinking and recognize what’s going on. An opportunity to recognize and understand how we’re responding to other people and certain situations. And, to respond to ourselves in a more kindly, supportive manner. But, that can be hard to do, especially when we’re get triggered. Here’s where cultivating mindful awareness is so essential
When we reach the stage of thinking where we’re then blaming ourselves, we need to recognize what’s happening, pause, and try to practice self-compassion. Doing so requires us to back up, see ourselves more objectively, and show greater understanding towards ourselves. To recognize that our defenses were adaptive at one time, when we were younger. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. Instead, it’s evidence that we’re human, trying to make the best of different situations. It’s the same story for millions of people. After all, who doesn’t get angry with themselves from time to time? But, the question we need to ask ourselves is: is responding this way helping us get somewhere better or just making it harder?
When we get triggered and do a number on ourselves, it’s the result of our brain thinking that we’re in danger when we actually aren’t, and causing us to react to situations in pre-determined ways that aren’t always helpful.
Our nervous systems are shaped by our early life experiences and we develop ways of coping that don’t always serve us later in life, and can actually be problematic. When our brains are wired a certain way, we can fall into patterns of behavior that can be hard to escape from. Note that I said “hard” rather than impossible because my four steps of emotional mindfulness teach us how to make positive shifts out of these established ways of doing things. Let’s take a look at each in turn and see how they can help us move in a different direction and dial-up our self-compassion.
Recognize and Name: We can’t change something we’re not aware of. We need to recognize those times when something triggers our inner critic. And we need to give this moment a label. Naming it tames it, as the saying goes. So give that moment when you start getting down on yourself a name, or label it something like ‘Here comes my critic.’
Stop, Drop and Stay: It’s important to stay present in those moments and get curious about what’s going on behind our self-criticism. What feelings are coming up that we’re unconsciously responding to? Fear? Anxiety? Guilt? They may be hard to be with but we can’t find our way out of them if we run away and don’t attend to our emotional experience. We need to willingly hit the brakes, stay with the feelings we’re having, and see them through. Doing so gives us an opportunity to disentangle ourselves from that early wiring that’s causing our brains to automatically react in a predetermined way. The more we stay present with such experiences, the more our feelings become familiar, more manageable, and less threatening to us. We can loosen the grip of fear and come more into the present moment.
Pause and Reflect: Reflecting on our experiences furthers our emotional healing. We may look back on times in the past when we’ve been way too harsh on ourselves and actually feel self-compassion. Perhaps we were too critical or judgemental. To get these reflective juices flowing, it’s good to ask ourselves questions to make sense of our experiences and deepen our understanding of what we do or say.
We can ask ourselves questions such as:
“Why was I so hard on myself in that situation?”
“What feelings were coming up for me?”
“What would have happened had I reacted differently?”
“What might have happened if I could slow down my response?”
“What can I do now?”
Taking time to reflect like this helps to bring clarity to a situation, figure out what our core feelings were telling us and how best to move forward, while also helping us rewire our brains to react with more openness, more curiosity, and more self-compassion.
Mindfully relate: The final step calls on us to be open and honest with ourselves, and perhaps to share how we’re feeling with our partners or a trusted friend. Chances are we’ll discover that what we’re going through isn’t something exclusive to us, as we might have first thought. Most likely, we’ll discover that our reaction to a given set of circumstances is totally natural. A part of the human condition. Knowing that can reduce feelings of isolation and unhealthy rumination.
As we approach Thanksgiving, let’s embrace the opportunity to find moments for emotional mindfulness, and for being present with, befriending, and making the most of, our feelings. Study after study is showing that practicing mindfulness improves our physical, mental, and social wellbeing. And it’s been proven to enhance our compassion, too. Not just towards others, but also ourselves.
This article draws on material in Dr. Ron Frederick’s books, Living Like You Mean It, and Loving Like You Mean It.
